5 Ways to Let Others Know You’re an Asshole, Without Actually Saying It
Much like the real world, the internet is filled with a bunch of assholes. Search no further than social media to find a sad bunch of sphincters sporadically spewing opinions on matters nobody asked them about.
I grew up in a barely middle class Philly neighborhood in the 90’s, where it was pretty easy to get punched in the mouth if you weren’t careful — and sometimes even if you were, actually.
I know it’s frowned upon to say out loud in this day and age where political correctness seems ever present, except when it comes to our President— but I think we were better off as a country when more people were still getting punched without warning for saying something they shouldn’t have.
If Donald Trump went to my high school, he without a doubt would’ve been punched in the mouth regularly. Which brings us to our first way to let everyone know you’re a giant asshole, without actually telling them so.
Incorporate the Phrase ‘Make America Great Again’ into Your Life
Hash tag it, buy the hat, wear it to a Kanye concert, teach your kids to say it and give Trump credit for coming up with it despite the fact Bill Clinton said it first, while campaigning in 1992.
While most of us were pretty sure Kanye West was a delusional, self centered narcissistic asshole, from the moment he interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech, it wasn’t until he broke out the MAGA hat, that our suspicions we’re confirmed. Funny how such a short catch phrase can tell a whole story.
But don’t just say it with the intent of wanting to actually improve the state of the union, make sure you support spending $5 trillion to build a wall between here and Mexico — so people know when you say ‘Make America Great Again’, what you really mean is ‘Make It Okay To Be Openly Racist Again’.
Now I know ‘MIOTBORA’ isn’t quite as catchy as ‘MAGA’ or chanting Lock Her Up like a deranged lunatic, despite the fact the election was over two years ago — but give it time, it’ll catch on.
Say Things Like “All Lives Matter”, As a Protest to the Protests of Others
You know what’s more annoying than protesters? The group of people who shows up to protest their protest. It’s just twice as much noise now. People screaming over each other but nobody listening to what the other is saying. As an American citizen, I respect your right to protest. But as a dude who is generally annoyed by the general public, I wish everyone would stop making such a fuss out of which lives matter. After all, who are you trying to convince, me or yourself? Are any of our lives really that important that we have to go screaming in the streets about it with terribly illustrated and misspelled signs? I certainly don’t think so. If our lives were so precious, we wouldn’t smoke Newports by the pack and feed the McRib to our kids for lunch. Suicide rates wouldn’t be making their biggest comeback since Roosevelt was President. So don’t talk to me about lives being important.
Get a Face or Neck Tattoo
We have a gaggle of bad rappers to thank for the unfortunate recent face tat trend we’ve seen grow popular among the young as of late. From Gucci Mane, to Tekashi 69, to whoever the little over privileged and confused white kid in the picture below is — replacing normal and casual social interactions with ink on your face, seems to be all the rage these days.
While face and neck tattoos seem conducive to making bad music, they don’t exactly scream ‘hire me’.
In fact, face tattoos are increasingly becoming one of the quickest and most surefire ways to let someone know, exactly how dumb and big of an asshole you are. They used to be reserved for inmates doing life in prison — but are beginning to spread through the suburbs like an opiate habit.
Be Offended By Things a Comedian Said — Especially If They Said it On Twitter a Decade Ago
There was a time when people generally understood not to take a comic seriously.
It was common knowledge, they were only joking — being that’s what they did for a living and all. We didn’t show up to their place of work and pretend to be offended, to prove how ‘woke’ we were to the gay guy or black woman we worked with. Especially about things not even the gay guy or black woman we work with were offended by. Again, they got it was just a joke. In bad taste, perhaps — but a joke nonetheless.
Then, we as a society went and got our collective panties in a bunch. Some feminist somewhere is probably raging at the fact I just used that phrase. Because we’ve gotten to a point as a people, to where we let jokes, words and ideas hurt us. Things intended to make others laugh, are making us sad and angry.
And even more confusing, rather than consider the possibility that maybe we’ve gone too darn soft and take ourselves entirely too serious, we blame the comedian for being insensitive and ‘triggering us’. What a crock of shit.
Openly and Ignorantly Speak on Things You Know Nothing About
Last but not least — opening your mouth about a deeply personal topic that you have absolutely no personal experience in. Tell people addiction and depression are a choice, despite the evidence to the contrary and the fact you’ve never been unfortunate enough to deal with the horrors of either.
Claim you’re a male feminist, misconstrue facts and bend truths until you’re able to utilize them in a way that makes you feel superior to others.
Tell me all about what’s going to happen to my soul after I die, if I don’t pray to a carpenter who only had twelve friends — despite the fact your guess is as good as mine. A real asshole assumes their right, despite having zero evidence proving so, while closing their mind off to the possibility that maybe their wrong. Self righteousness and an attitude of indifference are everything. Use them early and often. And remember kids, if you’re a big enough asshole — you just may be able to become President one day.