The internet wants you to believe it knows how to make a world class writer out of you. Its self proclaimed Gurus and experts want you to follow their formula, sign up for their newsletter, pay them for marketing you could do yourself and fill up your Twitter DM’s with links to whatever bullshit they are trying to sell you. Aside from writing everyday and being as open an honest as humanly possible, I can’t tell you how to become a better writer.
However, after extensive research and reading parts of unbelievably bad click bait articles, I’ve curated 7.2 ways to become a shitty one. I’ve already implemented one myself as an example.
I’ll do you a solid and put all of the actual tactics in bold, this way you can skip through all the rest while still scrolling through the entire article, maximizing my profits.
Just put a ridiculous number in the title.
You see, humans are stupid. For some reason, odd seeming numbers strike our curiosity. And we click. I’ll bet you were super taken back when you saw the number 7.2 in the title. Nobody’s putting decimal points in their titles like I am.
So we’ve covered the first way. Don’t stop there though — In fact, use a fraction. Make it feel like you started writing up a list and just stopped 68% of the way through and hit publish. This process works best when it’s a list that has already been published on the internet thousands of times before, by hundreds of different writers.
Never share openly with your readers, instead — instruct them to do things you don’t do yourself, in a condescending tone.
I cant emphasize enough how important it is to speak down to your readers. It’s the quickest way I know to become a dime a dozen writer who provides no actual value. Make yourself seem inhuman, like it might be a piece of artificial intelligence writing the article. Have zero personality, don’t write as one who your readers can relate to.
Declare yourself an expert in something you’re not, just to suck readers in
I mean come one bro, who has time to become an expert in something? They say it takes like 10,000 hours or something. Screw. That Noise. It’s so much easier to just claim expert status, without ever having put any real work in. Besides, who will even know? It’s not like experts are given a certificate. Maybe they are, I wouldn’t know, I’m not one. But if they are, readers aren’t asking for them.
Keep a thesaurus nearby so you can replace words people actually use and understand with ones you didn’t even know the meaning to prior, in order to sound intelligent
Wow, that was a mouthful. But yeah, it’s a fantastic way to make your writing pretty much unreadable. People want to watch world star videos and argue politics in the comments section of their favorite app, they’ve got no time for deciphering your three and four syllable words.
Write about what everyone else is writing about, be trendy.
We all have unique and interesting life experiences we could write about. Every last one of us. However, the people who don’t really want to write and just want to call themselves a writer without ever becoming vulnerable — never do this. They stick to what’s going to pull readers in, they write what has already been written. These stories usually include topics nobody will care about in a week or two.
From titles, to feature pictures, to content, to ideas. Just take other peoples shit, with total disregard for the time they put into their work and the entire craft at large. Take whole paragraphs and claim them as your own. Besides, it’s not copyright infringement if it’s not protected by copyright law to begin with. Plagiarism is for High School English teachers to spot, not your average reader. Every shitty writer knows how to blatantly steal, without giving credit.
Write sporadically, hardly ever in fact.
This is the golden rule to becoming a shitty writer. People who write in this fashion often put phrases like aspiring writer in their social media bio’s. They talk about writing often, perhaps some even read about the craft they never practice. They dream of the novel they will one day write and of it’s adaptation for the big screen. They wait impatiently for the day the book publisher comes calling about the manuscript they never sent. Writers of this variety will talk to you about luck, because they’re certain that’s what it takes to become a published writer. Pure unadulterated luck.