I can’t be the only fully grown person who’s still waiting to be inducted into adulthood. I’ve still yet to receive my membership card and honorary plaque. Yet, young cashiers and college freshman I contemplate hitting on refer to me as sir and no longer card me for the things that are killing me slower than their disdain and contempt for my feebly outdated attempts at flirtation are.
Day by day, I try to navigate through the anarchy of an age I don’t quite understand. Why in the world are young men wearing tight sweat pants? When did we transition from pants that were entirely too big to ones that leave a tiny teen dick print bulging out — to the best of their capabilities? Why do these young men not realize their pants are tighter than their girlfriend’s?
Then, there’s the issue of other people’s feelings. I’m not sure when people started to think America as a whole gave the first fuck about their feelings but let it be understood now and forevermore — it doesn’t. This world will swallow you up whole and spit you back out without apology, regardless of what your parents pinky promised you. Schools out, welcome to the real world. Sign down below and head to the back of the fucking line, you’re not special.
Congratulations on earning your degree. The bad news is, it was all a sham. While you spent the last 4 years in school, the world was busy decentralizing. The job you were hoping to get no longer exists. It’s since been shipped to China, sent back here and then died of dysentery. You’re still responsible for paying back your student loans though, plus interest. If you can’t come up with the cash for it, they’ll take it in blood, brain matter and semen.
Perhaps they’ll offer you a job off the books and under the table? At least then you’ll have enough cash to buy the drugs needed to numb you to your new reality. The good news is, you’ll be able to bring your dog with you, for therapeutic reasons. When people ask you why you aren’t cleaning up it’s shit off the dead cold office floor, just inform them of your allergy to feces.
All of my household devices keep speaking to me and informing me that they too, don’t understand me and could not process my request. My Father walks around the house barking orders to what I presume is his newfound imaginary friend he’s apparently named “Alexa”. I’m not sure whether to commit him or congratulate him.
Groceries and sex dolls keep showing up on his doorstep unannounced.
I turned on the Television yesterday and could not find a single show with a plot. Just barrages of rich and spoiled sisters who keep having babies by famous athletes and rappers. Why is Bruce Jenner competing in the women’s Olympics this year? What in the H-E- double hockey sticks is going on?
I don’t know, perhaps I’m just an old dog you can’t teach new tricks, put a cardigan on or bring to work with you for mental health reasons. A boyish like man who can’t get a date with a twenty year old and doesn’t want to participate in a family setting that was half started without him, by dating a woman his own age. What’s a misunderstood man child to do?
PS: If You We’re Offended By Anything Said Above, You Might Be The Problem