Coffee is Basically Early Morning Crack-Cocaine for the Civilized
I know people who don’t have their own coffee makers and instead stop at Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks first thing in the morning for a cup and I just shake my head, wondering how they do it. How do they manage to leave the house without that initial — at minimum — 12 ounces of hot brewed heaven?
I wouldn’t dare to leave the confines of my home in the morning before I’ve had coffee. I’d be too afraid of what I might do or say. I’d probably end up in prison. I don’t even consider myself a fully functioning human until I’ve had at least two cups. I imagine doing so would provoke an incurable sense of road rage within me and I don’t even drive. I see myself angrily yelling at strangers as I bypass them, due to a lack of caffeine and sugar intake.
Before I was ten years old, I was intrigued by my Father’s morning coffee ritual. He had it set up the night before, so all he had to do when he woke up was turn it on, possibly one of the greatest life lessons he’s handed down to me to date. I remember the wonderful aroma that would fill our kitchen and living room every morning and just wondering how great the taste must be, if the smell itself was that good. I became coffee curious and would ask my Dad for a sip from time to time, surprisingly, he shared. He’s a better man than I. God bless and forgive the first child that asks me for a sip of my morning coffee. This eventually led to me having my own cup every morning, before I was even in High school — and I started school a year early and was moved up a year.
But come on, crack-cocaine, really? Did I really have to take it there?
Well, let’s examine. Both the worlds finest coffee and cocaine is said to be grown in Columbia. At least the strongest and purest. Crack is made from mixing cocaine and baking soda together (or so rappers tell me). The perfect cup of coffee is made from mixing cream and sugar into it. Ladies and gentleman, I rest my case. Coffee is basically crack-cocaine for the civilized.
Furthermore, many recovering addicts and alcoholics put down their drug or drink of choice and replace it with a coffee habit. Walk into any twelve step meeting and you’ll quickly pick up on just how big of a part coffee is to their process. I’ve seen people walk out of meetings where coffee wasn’t readily available and I’ll be honest, I didn’t blame them in the least. You’ve got to have priorities.
Nowadays, you can get your coffee iced, flavored, in espresso shot form, or in a cold can or bottle from your local convenience store. You can all but have it mainlined or freebase it and I feel like it’s only a matter of time until both are an option. If you go to Starbucks, I’m pretty sure you’re paying more for coffee — than you would for actual crack. Though, coffee is slightly more forgiving to your teeth. Dunkin’ Donuts opens at 4:30 AM in the morning. You know who else opens up at 4:30 AM? Crack and dope corners. They know people need their fix, it’s just smart business.
Though I may be biased, as a coffee lover and one who never smoked crack — as similar as the two may be — I think it’s a safe bet to say you’re better off with a vicious coffee habit as opposed to a crack-cocaine addiction. I wouldn’t recommend randomly swapping out your coffee for crack one morning either, the two aren’t really interchangeable though actually as I’ve stated, I’ve seen the vice versa version successfully work. In closing, I’ll just leave you all with the following Whitney Houston quote — and get back to my morning coffee. Thanks for reading.