Dear Facebook Friends Who Donate Their Birthdays to Charitable Causes
We Get it, You’re Good People
I don’t know when it happened but it did. Facebook, presumably in an attempt to gain some very much needed positive PR, went and made it possible for it’s users to donate their birthdays to their favorite charity.
I use the word favorite very loosely, being I know for a fact a large majority of the people I see “donating their birthday”, have never actually donated a dime to these causes themselves.
While all of the names below have been changed to protect the identities of the non-donating folks who pretend to be charitable, the stories attached to them have not and are factual.
Meet Kevin, the kid who sat behind me in French class during my sophomore year of high school. There’s not a doubt in my mind, Kevin was and very much still is a racist. I’m not a betting man but if I was, I’d wager my bottom dollar you’d be able to find a “Make America Great Again” hat, somewhere in the confines of his 97' Honda Accord.
Kevin is the type of racist who voted for Trump and openly writes statuses protesting against letting immigrants into the country — despite the fact he’s wearing an “Italian Pride” tank top in nearly every gym selfie he posts.
I’m not sure if Kevin is aware but Italy is in another country. If Kevin’s ancestors came from Italy, which I’m assuming they did at some point based off his favorite tank top — then Kevin’s ancestors were immigrants.
In fact, between 1900 and 1915, over three million Italians immigrated here to America. And yes Kevin, though legally, they immigrated.
You see, Kevin seems to fail to understand the fact plenty of immigrants, come here legally. According to a status Kevin posted awhile back, this country “has too many people already and should stop letting people in period”. Wow Kevin, thanks for sharing.
Kevin mainly voted for Trump, because his friend Bob did. Kevin does everything Bob does, he always has. Kevin wants to be like Bob. When Kevin’s head starts to hurt from thinking too much — he lets Bob do his thinking for him. Perhaps it was even Bob who suggested the charity Kevin’s donating his birthday to this year, in Autism Speaks, a truly wonderful cause.
While some people may donate to Autism Speaks for Kevin’s birthday and I truly hope they do, as I have a nephew with Autism, I’m pretty sure the large majority of people are just going to scroll right by Kevin’s plea to donate — just like they do most of his other posts. Actually, Bob might donate.
Conclusion: Kevin helped raise $8 out of the $200 he was hoping to, for the charity of his choice. Sadly, Bob didn’t donate.
Meet Darren, a 33 year old father of three children, from three different women — two of whom I’m also Facebook friends with. Darren is openly bashed in the statuses of these two women for not paying child support or taking care of his kids. I’m sure the third woman does so as well, I’m just not Facebook friends with her to say for sure.
Now in fairness, I haven’t seen Darren in over a decade and he doesn’t do a whole lot of posting. Most dudes who have three different women chasing them down for child support don’t. They know any thing they say or do on Facebook will be used against them. No showing off the new shoes they just bought, no checking in at a local restaurant, they stay low key out of necessity.
One thing Darren did recently post however, is how he’s donating his birthday to St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital this year, a very admirable cause.
But Darren really didn’t think this one through because I can hear the mothers of his children now with the “How are you going to donate your birthday to a children’s research hospital when you don’t donate anything to your own kids” jokes. Hell have no fury like a woman’s scorn, I guess.
They tend to get annoyed when you don’t take care of your kids but try to pawn yourself off as a good person by donating your birthday to a cause involving other kids. Like I said, it was a respectable choice, just not a well planned one on Darren’s part.
Conclusion: Darren sadly hasn’t yet raised any of the $50 he’s hoping to for St. Jude’s Children Research Hospital — but his birthday isn’t for another 3 days, so there’s still time to help a guy who doesn’t take care of his own kids, not donate to sick kids in need but make it look like he did.
The moral of the story is, “donating your birthday” to a charity of your choice does not make you a good person, despite what Zucks says about it.
Having other people donate to a good or commendable cause, while not actually doing so yourself because of the day you were born on, doesn’t negate you being an otherwise shitty person on the other 364 days of the year.
And none of your Facebook friends were going to buy you a gift to begin with outside of maybe your parents, spouse or children — yet now you expect people who haven’t seen you in five or ten years to cough up cold hard cash to your so called favorite charity because you’re another year older? Wouldn’t count on it bub.
Can’t we just go back to posting HBD (Insert Name Here) on their wall and moving on? Or better yet, just completely ignoring the notification you get from Facebook informing you it’s the birthday of someone you don’t remember becoming Facebook friends to begin with, like I always do.
