When I’m feeling good, I do my best work. I have a morning routine and I stick to it. I’m up by 5 AM and am either writing or running within a half hour. I can’t help but to both run and write. Sometimes to excess. I read early and often as well. I look for new ways and outlets to market my work on. I’m constantly writing down new ideas and quotes in a notebook I keep on my desk I write at. I don’t watch TV, with the exception a select few regularly scheduled Sunday Night premium channel shows. I have no desire to mindlessly watch television, I typically read, run or write instead.
When I’m feeling bad, just the thought of running or writing pains me. I wake up ungrateful, with a shitty and bleak overall outlook on life. I scroll Facebook and hate myself for it, along with each and every one of your statuses. I watch ESPN and talk shit back to their mindless pundits. In fact, when I’m feeling my worst, I never miss First Take. And then I feel even worse for having allowed myself to watch two hours of grown men arguing about sports. I’m self critical, self sabotaging and self destructive. I lie to myself and believe I haven’t made any progress, in any sense. I tell myself I could go back to being who I was and nobody would even notice or care. I begin to wonder who’s working at what used to be my favorite bar and think about how nice it would be to just go have a drink. In fact, I romanticize it. I never consider calling a friend to tell them about it, as has been suggested.
When I’m feeling good, I’m so grateful for the life I live today. I appreciate the people in my life and give little to no thought to those who walked out of it. I drink my morning coffee in the most serene of fashions and even as I stare at pictures hanging on my desk of loved ones who have passed, I’m filled with a tremendous sense of peace. I even pray in the mornings and again at night. Through phases of feeling good, I’ve even dabbled in meditation and have downloaded apps such as Headspace. When I feel good, I’m super spiritual and read books like The Tao Te Ching. I have a God and I believe in him.
When I’m feeling bad, I question what the point of it all even is and I sleep a lot. I’m still up by 6 AM at the latest but again, I question why. I beat myself up for not running or reading. I try to write. I hate what I write and assume nobody else will care for it either. I struggle to come up with words that were flowing freely just the day before. I don’t reach out to friends, in fact I forget I have any. I dread the thought of my phone even ringing. I never pray. I scroll Twitter and watch some more ESPN. Days are never good when I feel bad.
When I feel good, I am the best version of myself and don’t accept anything less. I do “deep work”. Distractions and self doubt never creep in. I am so money. I reflect on how things used to be and how much better of a life I live today. I thank God quietly often for giving me a second chance at life and truly mean it. I am the epitome of positive thinking. I see only the good in things.
What I fail to realize is what I do effects how I feel about myself and the world around me, it’s not the other way around regardless of what I think on days I feel bad. I can tell myself what I do that day depends on how I feel as much as I want but the reality is, I have to get back to doing the things that make me feel good regardless of how I wake up feeling. That’s the only way to start feeling better. I won’t always feel good but I can work towards getting back there.