Fuck Your I-Phone
After Apple’s unveiling of both the I-Phone 8 and X as well as the prices of them, I envisioned the lines that’ll form outside of Apple stores on the day the X is released — lines I see rivaling those that pour into football stadium’s and Lady Gaga concerts; I decided to put together a list of things I’d rather do with the $1,000.00 and countless hours many of you will spend to get the X.
- Buy twenty perfectly good and functional Android smartphones and hand them out to less fortunate kids, just to kick this thing off on a high note because eventually it’ll get worse before it gets better.
- Corner the Lemonade stand market, renting adorable children who aren’t in school yet, whose parents don’t care enough about them to not rent them out to low rent lemonade entrepreneurs and then setting up shop. Don’t look at me like that, the kids will be well compensated and probably better well supervised than they would be at home.
- Set up 200 fake premium Medium accounts and spread the love among my fellow writer friends by overly applauding for their mediocre posts as well as my own.
- Getting in touch with the rapper Rick Ross and see if he’d be willing to make a song called “Straight from my outdated but perfectly good Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge” so I don’t feel so alienated.
- Going into an Apple store (not on release day) and seeing how much money it would take the Manager to admit every product he sells on a daily basis is exponentially over priced.
- Blowing every last dollar of it in record time at my favorite strip club Daydreams. The things you can do with single crumbled up $1 bills there are as disturbing as they are remarkable.
- Feed an entire village in a third world country for a month.
- Pay rapper DMX $1,000.00 to allow me to hang out with/shadow him for the day. An experience I’m sure would be worth every penny spent and then some.
The Hours I would Have Spent Waiting in Line
The longest reported time I found of someone waiting in line, camped out for an Apple product was 240 hours. In the name of fun, that is the scale I’ll be using
- Learn how to speak Mandarin. It really is a beautiful language and I’m also extremely fond of the fruit of the same name. The Asians who run my local barber shop would never be able to unsuspectingly insult me in their native tongue again.
- Die and rise from the dead in divine fashion like Jesus did, still having three full days to spare.
- Use the $1,000.00 I didn’t spend on an overpriced phone and the 240 hours I didn’t spend camping out or working so I could afford it to go on a European cruise. Seriously, all joking aside, think about that for a moment. In what universe is any device more valuable than an all inclusive cruise?
- Finish my memoir
- Complete a rehab stint longer than any of those of Courtney Love’s
- Celebrate all eight nights of Hanukkah and hope I receive an I-Phone X as a gift on one of those eight crazy nights. Only to sell it for triple it’s “value” online the next day.
- Break Forrest Gump’s record for distance ran without stopping.
- Write an in depth, comprehensive and investigative report on why Apple hates the number nine so much.
In fairness, I’ve never owned an I-Phone or any Apple product for that matter. I think I’ve gotten to the square root of where my disdain for them as a company truly comes from. If any of you are old enough to remember the following commercial, this is where it all started for me
I met the goofy looking nerd in the hospital gown who plays “PC” in this commercial, back at the band Harvey Danger’s final concert in Brooklyn in 2009. He gave them a shitty two minute intro before the show started and my friends and I were just pumped to see an actual celebrity, considering Harvey Danger didn’t quite qualify. D-list or not, a celebrity is a celebrity.
Since we had been drinking most of the night and a better part of the day, we thought it’d be funny to wait outside of the show for him to get a picture with him and some autographs. We waited way longer than anyone has ever otherwise waited for this man, only to have him blow us off for a group of women who may have totaled a ten collectively but there were five of them.
At least now I know where my hostility for Apple as a company comes from. Not too mention I have an extra $500-$1,000 dollars and ten days more leisure time than all Apple lovers do every time a new phone is released. Even if it’s just like the last one they released just with an “S” at the end. In the words of Will Hunting, “How ya like them Apples?”.