I Could, But I Won’t
I know I could become the self-help guy. I could take advantage of readers who feel just like I do most days, via the written word. I could fake it.
I could tell you it’s all going to be alright if you just sign up for my newsletter.
I could tell you all about what I did to become a five-time Top Writer on Medium and how I made it into the top 8.5% of writers here while leaving out the fact you only have to make a measly $25 a week to statistically do so.
I could openly celebrate the fact I’ve held Top Writer status in the “This Happened To Me” category for months on end, despite the fact I don’t even recall the last time I used the tag.
Sometimes I’m tempted to join the snake oil salesman who wants to convince you they know what it takes to become successful here or anywhere else.
I could bullshit my way through click-bait self-help, productivity-hack nonsense articles, just like I used to do with essays in high school.
Yeah, I got A’s — but I didn’t mean what I was saying. I wasn’t passionate about the majority of those assignments, I simply pretended I was for the sake of a grade.
I could treat readers like strange beautiful women at bars I want to fuck and woo them with whimsical wordplay.
Or write articles about how I’m outraged by guys who do so and become a male feminist, whatever that even means.
I’m all for equality and a woman’s right to choose, say no, work and to live a life of dignity, not in constant fear of what may happen to them.
But let’s be honest here for a moment. Calling yourself a male feminist is kind of like calling yourself a White Black Panther. You can be empathetic, sympathetic and even an ally. You just can’t know their struggle because you never lived it. Pretending you aren’t part of the demographic in question isn’t the answer. All of that is beside the point, yet somehow paradoxically still at the very core of what I’m trying to convey.
“I can’t apologize forever, for everything that isn’t me”-Lukas Graham
What I’m saying is, I don’t know how to be what I’m not. As I’ve said before, I’d rather be hated for who and what I am than praised for who I pretended to be. I’ve outgrown the age where I can appear passionate about a subject I don’t care about. I gave up doing so the day my highschool reluctantly handed me my diploma.
Here’s to New Beginnings
This is the closest I’ll ever come to apologizing for anything I’ve ever written, so to whom it may concern, take it all in while you can.
I’ve always loved this platform. It gave me my start but I’m afraid I may have misinterpreted what that start meant. I did so damn well in the beginning here, I guess I was only able to see it getting better from there.
So when stats, earnings, claps and the amount of exposure I was getting started to go the other direction, I got frustrated. I’ll always be the person who speaks his mind, especially in my writing. I write about what I can’t converse about or what I feel nobody is hearing or cares about when I try to do so.
It was my understanding I was free to write about anything and everything bothering me and I am — but perhaps I overstepped my bounds a bit and abused my own liberties to my own detriment. I’ve always been the biggest obstacle to my own success. The only thing I’m better at than writing is sub-conscious self-sabotage. I am without a doubt, my own worst enemy.
A contrarian who hates almost everything mainstream, just because you like it. A free-thinker who was always proud to walk the opposite direction of the crowd and never bothered to look behind him to see who followed.
This has served me as much as it’s hurt me in life, but lately, it just feels exhausting. I don’t have the energy left to argue or fight, I’ve grown too tired.
Medium announced major changes to the Paid Partner Program yesterday and I’d truly like to take this opportunity to start all over. I’m putting all of my complaints from the past to bed and moving on. It’s time to let sleeping dogs lie, if only for my own peace of mind.
While my content probably won’t change much, because all I know how to do is be me, my approach and attitude already have. I’m determined to make this platform work for me and always have been, the only difference being, I’m finally ready to work with it. Consider the hatchet buried, and this a public peace offering to anyone anything I’ve ever written offended. It was never my intention. Here’s to starting over, and what the future may hold for all of us.