I’m Your New Anti-Life Coach

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Photo by Yash Prajapati on Unsplash

I’d like to qualify myself by informing you I’ve never had the words Life Coach in a single one of my social media bios or profiles. I’ve never condescendingly suggested I have life figured out enough to start coaching others on or in it.

In fact, if life was a sport, I’d be more like your go-to pinch hitter than a coach or General Manager. Sure, I get lucky here and there and knock one out of the park when it counts — but with it comes a bunch of strikeouts and run of the mill base hits. Singles, I have to sweat out every step of, thankfully ties go to the runner.

I’m a situational player, not an every-down back. And to those who don’t understand sports references, my apologies. Blame the life coaches, they started it.

If I was a life coach, my team would have not only missed playoffs last year, a good portion of its players would have been suspended for a wide variety of different reasons spanning from PEDs to extremely disappointing and incriminating elevator incidents.

I’ll just be honest here, any organization considering hiring me as a life coach should give the movie Blue Chips a solid screening or two first.

Because when a push comes to shove, I will go full Pete Bell, quicker than you can say the name, Nick Nolte.

Any coach who tells you winning isn’t everything, is a natural-born loser. It’s not how you play the game that matters or how many players you trip during said game — but only if you got the W or not. Even the best to have ever done it deflates a few balls or tapes an opponent’s practice every now and again. If you ain’t cheating, are you even trying?

I see nothing wrong with rewarding the hard work of underage college athletes with a trip to the local tavern or titty bar. The players sure as shit work a lot harder than the coaches. Meanwhile, it’s all work and no play for the players and all “boats and hoes” for the coaches. Malarkey, I tell you.

“I’m Rick Pittino, I take them to Strip Clubs and Casinos”-Drake

After all, someone has to pay these guys and we all know it isn’t going to be the NCAA. So if given the chance, I will bribe, pay off or blackmail whoever gets in the way of bringing a parade home to this city I’m paid handsomely to pretend I care about.

The biggest problem I see with life coaches is they seem to often forget to tell those they’re coaching, that they are indeed coaching them.

Unsolicited criticism on another’s life, while you have plenty at-bats in your own life you should be preparing for doesn’t make you a good person or a life coach. In fact, it kind of makes you a passive-aggressive asshole.

I don’t know when we started calling passive-aggressive A-holes life coaches, but we should stop legitimizing the snake oil salesman who thinks dressing up as Tony Robbins for Halloween qualifies them to hand out life advice.

I’m not saying any of this to be mean, in the same way, so-called life coaches who send out emails suggesting specific ways others might improve their lives, to friends, family members, and acquaintances, don’t mean to be either.

The road to self-help hell is usually paved with the best of intentions.

I’ve taken it upon myself to name myself your anti-life coach, in the same style, others have deemed themselves a life coach. It’s a completely self-appointed position. A way of deflecting our shortcomings and avoiding our own problems we should be working on, as we instead diagnose and painfully point out yours.

The difference being, most of my writing is about most of my problems. Ways you might improve your life, by avoiding the mistakes I made, as told through stories of when and how I made them. There’s vulnerability and shared struggle in that, rather than hypercriticism or judgment.

All I’m saying is, you can’t just start calling yourself coach one day and expect others to run laps, merely because you told them to — or worse yet — because you wish you would have once run the laps you’re telling them to.

You can tell them about the laps you wish you ran, sure, go ahead. You just can’t make others run them. They have to do that, they have to want it for themselves enough to start running.

To be clear, this is not a subtle or indirect jab at anyone who blogs or writes about self-improvement, productivity or ways you might better yourself. Those are topics people write about and give others the option to either read or not read. Those who read their work likely sought it out, clicked on it or subscribed to it. Nothing wrong with either end of doing so, not the reading nor the writing.

I’m all about advancement and improvement, but not when it comes in the form of a passive-aggressive or condescending piece of unsolicited advice. Very few of us have enough banners flying in the rafters of our personal lives, to go coaching others in theirs. Perhaps we’d be better served to remember we’re all players in the game of life and the closest we’ll ever be to coaches of it, is by becoming parents. If you like telling others what to do so much, maybe have a kid — or another — I don’t know.

I wouldn’t be so bold as to try and tell another how to live their life. Figure it out for yourself. If you want my help — feel free to ask. I’ll do what I can. Just know you’ll never get an unexpected email from me about how you might go about transforming your life, so I’d appreciate it if you don’t send any my way either.

Writing About the Human Condition, via My Thoughts, Observations, Experiences, and Opinions — Founder of Journal of Journeys and BRB INC ©

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