On an honest level,my drug of choice has always been chaos and insanity. If it was crazy,I wanted to be associated with it. I like hectic,on a subconscious level. Insanity provides a great cover story,it’s an air tight alibi. Being able to dismiss responsibilities or expectations and when people question as to why,being able to just point in any direction at the insanity and chaos that you created or surrounded yourself with worked for me for a very long time.
I genuinely welcomed insanity into my life with open arms,invited it into my home,gave it a place to crash and made it breakfast in bed when it woke up in the morning.
To top it off,I spent most of my energy and assets on trying to make sure the chaos in my life was happy with me.
I wasn’t happy but as long as chaos and insanity were all set,I was good to go.
I accepted unhappiness and made it a way of life.
I put everything I had into all of the wrong things and gave all of my time to people that didn’t deserve so much as a head nod from me.
Today,there’s plenty of people that go out of their way to try and drag me back into all of the nonsense and negativity that I used to call a way of .
They say what they say when i’m not around rather than say it to me because of who they are as people. That’s just their level of courage and integrity and i’m okay with that today but I also don’t have any room for people like that on my side of the field,not even on the bench.
But more importantly I have to make that clear with actions rather than words.
Words are great,just look at what I can do with them for example.
But in all honesty,this comes as easy to me,I probably won’t even edit this before I post it.
(Note; That’s not even true, I edited
That’s great and all but if I say one thing and do another,all my words are rendered as incompetently useless.
I refuse to be the Andy Reid of my own life, standing at the podium after a game I should have won saying “I’ve got to do a better job”, and then come out and do even worse the next game.
Why talk about it when you could live it. Yeah,its more than possible that I still might come out and lose the next week. However if I know I truly did everything I said I was going to and that was required of me to put myself in the best possible position to win then I won’t feel as bad about that loss.
I used to live my life based off the principal of if you hated me I hated you more and I was willing to go to any length to prove it to you and anyone who stood by you or me.
I thought that’s what was required of me.
It wasn’t,it was a waste of time and energy.
If I put half of the energy I spent making myself and others miserable into something positive,I could’ve become President if becoming President was something positive to be.
Today I save all that hate up and trade it in for an ounce of motivation to get up and go help someone that deserves,needs and wants my help or to go better myself so I never become who I spent so long being. I hated who you were because I hated who I was.
However today I can truly take a step back and see that I love who i’m becoming and don’t mind the people who do not feel the same.
That is their right.
I never meant to make anyone’s life miserable,especially not my own,and thankfully today it isn’t.