So young, So stubborn. Only thing I didn’t know being, I knew nothing.
Self centered, self sympathizer, and certainly self destructive.
The most negative of narcissists you’d never want to meet.
The kind if you seen coming and had any sense at all, you crossed the street.
Who I thought I had to be was never who I truly was. Everything I did was the furthest from all I wanted to be doing.
The problem was, I had no idea what the thing I thought I should be doing and yet felt so far off from was. I had yet to realize not believing in dreams or even having any to believe in leads to frustrating and unhappy days, regardless of what else you’re doing.
I was too young, dumb and naive to see I was the creator of my own misery.
I was too afraid to raise the bar and go get all I believed I was allegedly worth, so I accepted anything thrown my way. No standards to speak of. Not mentally. Not physically. Not spiritually.
Certainly not emotionally,creatively, professionally or socially and don’t even get me started on the so called romantic and financial standards of my past. Completely nonexistent.
You demanded more and more of me and I accepted less and less for it.
I became less appreciated as well as less appreciative. More overlooked and frustrated by the day if not moment. I never spoke up, I instead acted out.
I crashed and burned and so did everything I touched. Every place I walked out of in an Irish goodbye fashion seemed to light up in flames shortly after my exit. With just enough time in between sufficient enough to provide reasonable doubt I set it ablaze, in the minds of the sensible but not enough for those who always viewed me as guilty anyway to believe I didn’t.
Just because I made a hobby of playing with fire doesn’t make me an arsonist.
At least not a premeditated one. I always had the best of intentions but made the worst of decisions.I took public responsibility for about 3% of things I blamed myself for internally.
I pretended to be proud about and take pride in things I began to hate myself for.
Every day seemed harder and harder. It was, I made sure of it. Harder for me, harder for you.
All while promising things would get better. That I’d get better. We’d be better. All sorts of fairy tales and fan fiction. I wasted your time, I’m not sorry anymore but I truly apologize.
I am the best version of me today. I progress in the correct direction everyday. Which is just forward, while also looking that way. Sure I still peek behind me and smile in reflection here and there, when the road ahead is clear and allows me the opportunity to do so.
But what I don’t do anymore is obsessively check my rear view mirror, panicking about all that’s behind me. Wondering who may come crashing into me suddenly and with deadly force, robbing myself of all of the joys of the scenic route I’m on today.