When I was twenty years old, I could have filled a house with the things I didn’t know. Instead, I filled one with a toxic relationship, the emotional baggage and unresolved childhood issues both her and I had and our collectively misplaced anger. Our closets were filled with our insecurities. We didn’t talk about them, instead we yelled about other stuff like how bad the shows she watched were and what girls I was friends with on MySpace. For a long time after, I blamed her for everything. Then for awhile after that, I blamed myself for all of it. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.
I don’t know anything about relationships other than how to completely destroy them. I observe those of my friends and people I’m close with and ask myself “Would I be able to endure that?”. Considering I just used the word endure, perhaps I’m not the perfect candidate for one. Don’t get me wrong, I could do it, I’ve done it. I just don’t know if I’m capable of doing so happily. I’m way too comfortable in my own company to ever jump into a relationship out of fear of being alone. The fear isn’t there, just a quiet comfortability that almost never involves doing shit I don’t want to with my Saturday.
Then there’s the issue of kids. Look, I like kids. They’re as hysterical as they are adorable. They’re also time consuming, expensive and filthy. I think a lot of people have kids for really wrong reasons — not all — just some. The reality is I don’t want kids right now, for a lot of the same type of self centered reasons people I know, want to or do have kids. Just a different brand of them.
I want to work on becoming not only the best writer I can but the best person I can be as well. If I’m going to force a child to endure the ups and downs of life, I at least owe him or her that much first. I’d never bring one into this world just because I feel like I’m somehow supposed to or to fill some unidentified void.
Or maybe, I’m just really the selfish one. Maybe I’m too into me to be in a relationship. The thought of being called three plus times a day to ask where I’m at or what I’m doing sounds exhausting. In fact, it looks exhausting — I see it happen to others and wonder how they manage. But maybe not all relationships are like that, maybe every person I know is just in a bad one.
What part of me fears may have happened, is I spent too much time out of a relationship to have a strong desire to get back in one. As well as too much time in bad and dysfunctional ones before that to have a reference point that might sway me towards one. I’m a big believer in things happening how they’re supposed to. At the moment, I’m perfectly content alone.